Tuesday, April 24, 2012

The Unfortunate Pregnancies

I know that not many people talk about the loss of a pregnancy.  Sometimes it's just too difficult or painful to talk about.  Sometimes there's superstitions that you don't want to say anything because you might jinx it.  Other times you don't want to say anything because you don't want to worry soon-to-be parents.  I also think that part of it is because of grieving and guilt.  It's become one of those things that you just don't talk about.

But talking and sharing can help with healing.  Just like it's good to talk about your birthing and breastfeeding stories, it's healthy to talk about your unfortunate loss stories too.  You help yourself by acknowledging that it happened.  You help yourself by not holding it in.  You can also help others by letting them know that they are not alone.

It is normal for women under the age of 40 to have 2 miscarriages.  Sometimes you don't even know that it happens because it happens so early.  It is not necessarily because your body can't perform the way it's supposed to.  It usually is because the genes don't fuse correctly and the baby doesn't form the way it's intended.

For me, we didn't think I could get pregnant at all.  I had a few miscarriages in college before my oldest daughter was conceived.  I was told that I probably wouldn't be able to carry past 6 weeks, so I didn't get my hopes up about being a Mom.  Then I was blessed with my oldest daughter and I married the man of my dreams.  We had 2 more miscarriages that were documented by our doctors; probably a few more than that but I couldn't bring myself to get a test.

My family never knew until our last miscarriage that happened in July 2006.  We were so excited that we told everyone I was pregnant at 8 weeks.  My blood work all came back perfect and everything looked like it was in line, so we thought we were safe.  We had an ultrasound set up at 10 weeks and we were ecstatic.  When we went in there was no heartbeat.  The radiologist said that it looked like the baby stopped at 6 weeks.  We were more than devastated.  My body refused to let go.  I refused to let go.  So I decided to medically induce because I had done that in 2003 and it seemed to work just fine.  Then a month later, I found out that it didn't go so well and I was having some major problems because of the residual tissue.  I had to have a D&C a few days later.  It was hell reliving it all over again.  I hated to see pregnant women, even friends.  I resented seeing babies.  I felt broken and ashamed.  The hardest part was breaking the news to our family and watching them grieve too.  It took years to get over it.  It took a solid two years to be able to smile at a pregnant woman.  I cried every time Sweet Pea asked about the baby.  I told her that she couldn't say anything about it.  I now feel very guilty about that.  It took me years to realize that she lost that baby too and had every right to be able to talk about it.

I didn't want to have any more kids after that.  I was happy with my one miracle baby, my Sweet Pea.  I got a dog in November that year.  I needed something to care for to help me heal.  She did...she's my baby.  Four years later, I was ready to start considering trying again.  I set up an appointment for a prenatal doctor because I was told that we would need help.  I had to wait for 5 months to get into the doctor.  Then I lost my job and cancelled the appointment because we weren't ready to have another baby at that point.  Then I unexpectedly got pregnant with Little Man....shortly followed by Peanut.

So, don't give up hope.  Time heals all wounds.  For some people it takes a lot of time, solitude, reflection, or even an unexpected surprise.  Everyone grieves differently and that is OK.  Your feelings are normal and you are not alone.  You have every right to feel the way that you do and don't let anyone make you feel inferior.  There are so many people out there who have lost too.

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4 comments:

  1. Every loss is a story of what should have been. Thank you so much for sharing your stories. All of our little angels look down on us and give us the strength we need. Hugs to you!

    ~mummie

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  2. Thank you for this post... it came to me at just the right time. I have been feeling very discouraged lately after miscarrying in December. We have been trying to get pregnant again and have not had any luck as of yet.

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  3. I'm so sorry to hear of your loss.  I'm glad to hear that you are trying again and I wish you all the luck in the world.  I'm sure that you've heard all of the 'good vibes mantras', so I will save that for another day because I never found them very comforting until much later.  I will just continue to send you happy baby thoughts and keep you in my prayers.  And I am always around if you need a little encouragement.  

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  4. Just came bak to this post thru an email u sent out and I thought I would let u know that after 6 long month (I know that is not long at all but when u want something so bad it can seem like forever) we finally got that positive pregnancy test. I am due at the end of February. Although I have been enjoying this pregnancy I also am fearful that something will go wrong. Thank u for your encouraging words and for bringing this topic of loss to attention. I found talking about it did help a lot. Yet everyone seems so uncomfortable when u talk about it.

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